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RTF WEEK #06 - ASSERT YOURSELF

Updated: Oct 24, 2024

Healthy boundaries are important in life.  We inadvertently teach other people (by our own actions) what we tolerate and what we will not.

 

Many people lack the ability to put healthy boundaries in place. To better understand the dynamics of social interaction one must consider life needs.  There are lower-level needs and higher-level needs according to Dr. Maslow who was a renowned psychologist for his groundbreaking work in humanistic psychology.

 

The theory suggests your lower-level needs must be met before you can graduate up the pyramid (see image below) to higher-level needs.  The bottom of the pyramid shows basic survival needs.  If one is scrambling to fulfill the lower-level needs, how can they strive to improve their life with higher-level needs?

 

We are born into this world with lower-level needs which are basically life and death scenaries.  Here are some examples:

  • Food

  • Drink

  • Rest

  • Shelter

  • Love

 

Higher-level needs will only be pursued if ones lower-level needs are being met.  If basic survival needs are threatened, you will be less concerned with progressing your life with higher-level needs which are often.  Here are some examples:

  • Learning a talent (music, sports, etc.)

  • Education

  • Employment

  • Striving for a better life

 

For instance, if one is threatened with homelessness or lack of money to purchase food, they would not consider purchasing a new car or going on vacation. 

 

The lack of having our needs and wants met can cause anxiety.  We all (unconsciously) travel through life with the intention of having our needs met.  The complications arise when we meet people with a desire to have their needs met, perhaps through you! 

 

For instance, imagine a toxic person (friend, family, co-worker, boss) has targeted you as their needs supplier.  They want what they want.  These people can push your boundaries, disrespect you, cause you fear, all with the desire to have their needs met.  Some people can be takers, some givers; it really is a complicated affair.  The takers can be aggressive, the givers can look like push-overs. 

 

The healthy goal is to balance your life.  Think of it this way, we all have 2 buckets in life.  One in each hand.  One bucket fills up with what you take and the other bucket depletes with what you give.  Life can be a balancing act of giving and taking.  When you give too much your bucket can empty creating an unhealthy balance.  You must find a way to refill your bucket, or not let it empty in the first place. 

 

One way to do this is to create healthy boundaries, another new life skill. Think of it of a door, either open or closed. For those having the inability to say no their door is likely wide open.  This can cause other to manipulate you using power and control tactics.  This often leads to losing your sense of self and individuality.  Having someone take advantage of you for too long will likely bring you to a place of decision making.  One can only be beaten down so much, or taken advantage of for so long, before they realize changes must be made.

 

A closed boundary (similar to a closed door) is not allowing anyone or anything in.  This is not healthy but does arrive unintentionally with a natural response to trauma.  Perhaps your door was wide open and someone took advantage of that in a toxic way.  At some point you might have slammed that door shut to the person causing you anxiety and then left that door shut for everyone and everything.  It’s often called the pendulum effect, being so wide open that you desired to cut everything off.  Finding a healthy balance is important, let pendulum swing back and forth until it can balance somewhere in the middle.

 

Reaching the point in life where changes must be made can be challenging.  The people in your life that used you as a door mat for long periods of time will not be happy with the change.  In fact, you will be pegged as selfish for wanting to live a happier, more rewarding life.

 

What you need to strive for is healthy boundaries:

  • Respectful relationships

    • Give and take

  • Self-respect

    • Healthy balance (think buckets)

  • Give and take

    • Give to yourself and others

    • Take from yourself and others

  • Awareness

    • Beware of the takers that give little in return

 

 It is important to realize you cannot change anyone.  Your must create boundaries to teach people what you are willing to give.  You can begin to set your own boundaries by learning to ask for what you want.  It is important to note any reference to a want can also reflect a need.  If it is difficult for you to ask for what you want, you must then learn to become assertive.  There is a difference between assertive and aggressive. 

 

Aggressive is:

  • Forceful

    • Most things are black and white

  • Disrespectful

  • Fear inducing

  • Lacks boundaries

  • Lacks compassion

 

Assertive is:

  • Respectful

    • Must give respect to earn respect

  • Communication

    • Explain why you are making your request

    • Offer your thoughts and feelings on the matter

  • Accepting

    • Most things can become grey areas (not black or white)

  • Flexible

    • Be wary of wanting it all your way

  • Compromising

  • Empowering

  • Worthiness

  • Strength

 

To be assertive is to learn how to ask for what you want or need.  You have a right to ask, in fact, you owe it to yourself to ask!  When one is lacking in self-worth they can feel their needs or wants are not important.  Self-worth is a topic of a future session.

 

To begin the process of asking for what you want, it will help to prepare in advance:

  • Take your to time to learn this new skill

    • Know what you want

  • Write it down

    • Be specific

 

Stay focused

  • Don’t let someone derail you

  • Practice facing your fear

  • Stand strong (even when you are shaking)

 

Who can help you get what you want?

  • Family

  • Friends

  • Co-workers

  • Boss

  • Etc.

 

When do you want it?

  • Short-term or long-term

    • Create a time-frame

 

Where do you want it?

 

Let’s look at a basic  example:

 

What is it that you want?

  • You want help with the household chores

 

Who can give it to you?

  • Your teenage children

 

When do you want it?

  • Every day

 

Where do you want it?

  • At home

 

This example requires you to be respectful and firm, especially where teenagers are concerned:

 

“Jade and Hudson, I am feeling overwhelmed with my full-time job plus keeping up with all the household chores everyday.  It is taking a toll on my health and I am feeling exhausted.  It would be better if we could talk about how you can both help with the chores.  I’d like to discuss this on Sunday after our family dinner.”

 

This message offers your feelings (exhaustion), your thoughts on a solution (they can help you) and your want (of talking about this on Sunday night).  It gives your teenage children a clear picture of your request. 

 

Much better than something like:

 

“Neither one of you help me around the house.  You are driving me crazy.  Why can’t you help?”

 

Can you see the difference?  I will be talking about how to become more effective at communicating in a future webcast.  For now, try to keep your requests about you, by using “I” statements.  Stay away from attacking the person for your want.

 

Once you have your statement, begin by practicing saying this in front of a mirror.  It will be difficult enough to stand up and express your wants.  If you can’t say it in the mirror, how will you ever be able to say it to the person(s).

 

When you finally get the courage to face your fear and express yourself, you may encounter resistance.

  • Stand strong

    • Don’t cave

  • Not easy, but is worth it

    • Fake it ‘til you make it

  • Hold your ground

 

While trying to set your boundaries, expect some resistance.  Do not get drawn into an argument – discussion yes, argument no.  When trying to carve out boundaries and changing the status quo expect some kickback.  People in general do not like change!  Remember, wWe do not have to attend every argument we are invited to. 

 

During the communication be open to alternatives, try to be flexible, try to find mutually common ground and stay firm in your wants/needs.  Resist blaming others, do not be forced into attack mode, keep you voice moderate and your anger in check.  Be aware of your body language and maintain eye contact. 

 

Here are some suggestions to create your path to assertive. List at least five needs/wants important to you.

  • Prioritize this least

    • 1 being the easiest

    • 5 being the hardest

 

Begin with a relatively easy request first, don’t jump into the ocean full of sharks.  Just take  one baby step.  Practice these new tools until they become a habit.  It will not happen instantly, it really is a work in progress.  Forgive yourself if you falter, get back up and try, try again!

 

Be aware of possible push back:

  • Expect some negative self-talk

    • Use your self-talk to turn it positive

  • Expect fear

  • Expect stress and anxiety

 

Asserting yourself is not cut and dry.  All you can do is try, do your best and keep challenging yourself.  When you were a baby trying to learn to walk, you did not give up.  It takes babies a lot of tries to finally hone the skill.  The same holds true for all of these life skills.  It can be a long climb up the mountain, but you can do it.  Faith and determination can carry you if you permit it.  Remember, you can handle whatever life throws at you.  Feel the fear and do it anyway!

 

If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.  Be patient with yourself, start with a fairly small need/want.  Baby steps lead to steps, steps lead strides and strides lead to your goal.  This can be all new to you.  If you fail, get and try again!


 

Feel free to review previous WEEKS of ROADMAP TO FREEDOM posts:


Friendly reminder… continue with your Daily Affirmations

 

Experiencing a bad day? 

Review your Dream Life Story.  It can fill you up with much needed faith, hope and determination.  Above all else, never, every, give up…tomorrow is new day that can bring you new possibilities.

 

The Roadmap to Freedom personal growth series is a unique, one-of-a-kind program created by Ali Shilo. All rights reserved. Copyright 2024

 

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